Stop Workplace Drama - Marlene Chism - my summary
Blinkist Summary of My Summary:
What's in it for me?
Workplace drama can creep in quietly, causing chaos and hindering productivity. Understanding how it forms helps in managing it effectively. This summary offers insights from Marlene Chism's approach to stopping drama through clarity, relationship management, and self-awareness. Chism's strategies can transform how you handle disruptions, empowering you to create a more peaceful, prosperous work environment. With techniques to resolve conflict, clear confusion, and embrace responsibility, discover how to turn drama into an opportunity for growth and development.
Surprising Fact
Drama at work often starts from subtle issues, such as unclear goals or unresolved resentments, escalating into major workplace disruptions over time.
Understanding Workplace Drama
Drama in the workplace often manifests in subtle forms such as worry over performance reviews, minor grudges against colleagues, or dilemmas before career changes. These minor disruptions can snowball if not addressed promptly. By viewing drama as any obstacle to peace and prosperity, we can see these small issues not just as annoyances, but crucial signals that deserve attention. Ignoring drama allows it to grow into significant problems like workplace bullying or team dysfunction. Recognizing and addressing drama early prevents larger conflicts and maintains a positive work environment. This ability to separate drama from your personal response to it is a key skill that can be developed with practice and self-awareness.
The Power of Clarity
A lack of clarity is a major contributor to drama. Without clear direction, employees may experience confusion, frequent changes in priorities, and misunderstandings about roles and responsibilities. Clarity acts as a guiding light, helping individuals and teams navigate toward their goals without getting lost in distractions or interpersonal conflicts. Leaders can foster clarity by articulating clear visions, setting defined goals, and ensuring everyone understands their part in the bigger picture. This involves asking fundamental questions such as 'Who am I?', 'What do I want?', and 'What am I committed to?'. Answering these questions helps eliminate confusion, align personal actions with professional goals, and maintain focus.
Bridging the Performance Gap
The gap between where you are now and where you aspire to be can be a breeding ground for drama if not managed well. Leaders can shorten this gap by setting realistic goals, celebrating small wins, and ensuring the team knows the steps needed for success. This approach not only keeps morale high but also keeps everyone aligned on the path to their objectives. Successful navigation of the gap prevents the loss of clarity and mitigates drama, as efforts are concentrated on progress rather than conflicts or confusion about the next steps.
Facing the Truth
Truth and transparency are vital to resolving workplace drama. It's common for individuals to create stories or narratives about work conflicts that don't match reality, adding complexity to any situation. Learning to discern fact from fiction is essential for healthy professional relationships. Leaders need to gently but firmly bring truth into both self-reflection and discussions with their teams, eliminating denial and building an environment of trust and accountability. This process requires practice but results in clearer communication, reduced misunderstandings, and a stronger, more supportive workplace culture.
Reinvent and Realign
Effective leadership requires continuous self-awareness and alignment with personal values and goals. Leaders who understand their own beliefs and behaviors can influence their teams more positively. This self-understanding is transmitted through what neuroscientists call mirror neurons, which reflect and amplify leaders' emotional states across the team. To lead effectively, it's crucial to continually realign actions and values, creating an authentic and trustworthy environment. This helps in guiding teams towards success and in mentoring them to develop their alignment with personal and organizational goals.
Building Better Relationships
Drama often arises from relationship dynamics, specifically roles that people unconsciously play, such as the rescuer, victim, or persecutor. These roles can perpetuate conflict when individuals are not aware of them. By recognizing these roles, leaders can encourage more authentic interactions that focus on personal responsibility and empowerment. For instance, avoiding the tendency to rescue and instead promoting self-sufficiency and accountability fosters maturity and reduces dramatic episodes. Focusing on relationship building and viewing colleagues in the best possible light enhances team cohesion and diminishes drama.
Mastering Your Energy
Managing personal energy is pivotal in controlling workplace drama. Leaders who master their energy can influence the work environment effectively, modeling positivity and focus. This involves setting clear boundaries, managing emotions, and creating efficient systems that reduce chaos and conserve energy. Mindful practices help leaders react wisely to challenges, viewing negative feedback as a chance for growth instead of a personal affront. Keeping focus on what works, rather than what doesn't, ensures productivity and keeps the team moving steadily toward goals.
Releasing Resistance
Resistance to change or to the current reality can exacerbate drama. It manifests through blame, resentment, and judgment. Effective leaders help both themselves and their teams overcome resistance by acknowledging the situation and proactively seeking solutions. Identifying and tackling resistance patterns—whether in oneself or others—fosters acceptance, which is the first step toward meaningful, lasting change. Achieving this state of acceptance allows for clearer decision-making and greater adaptability in navigating challenges.
Fostering Creativity and Responsibility
Creative and empowered employees are more adaptive and less prone to drama. A culture that encourages ownership and responsibility helps staff operate from a position of choice rather than reaction. Leaders can cultivate a creative workforce by asking empowering questions such as 'What are your choices?' and 'What do you want to achieve?'. Focusing on solutions rather than dwelling on problems encourages a positive, proactive mindset and helps team members see the wide range of possibilities available to them.
Celebrating Success and Growth
Regularly acknowledging and celebrating achievements boosts morale and motivation. Recognizing small victories keeps a team energized and less likely to fall into counterproductive behaviors or drama. Leaders should strive to create an environment where success is visible and celebrated, making each goal a stepping stone to the next. This approach reinforces positive behavior, encourages progress, and creates a more cohesive team dynamic that is resilient during challenging periods.
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INTRODUCTION
Drama reveals itself in all kinds of ways most of which are so subtle that they are hard to identify until the damage has been done. Drama can be:
• Worrying about whether your upcoming performance review will result in a raise.
• The little resentment you have toward your boss.
• The confusion and turbulence you feel before making a career change.
• Avoiding the difficult conversation or regretting a decision that has led to procrastination.
Since the source of drama varies and affects so many areas of life, I have developed a definition of it that is more global: Drama is any obstacle to your peace and prosperity. Drama's manifestations always occur because there was a failure to recognize it when it first started. You ignored the subtle innuendo from the indignant co-worker; two years later, you have a workplace bully situation.
The Drama versus Your Drama Now you have an idea of the language and the definition of drama (any obstacle to your peace or prosperity). There is, however, one more distinction worth mentioning: the drama versus your drama. The drama is the situation. Your drama is how you react to it. Therefore, while you may not be able to stop the drama, you certainly can stop your drama. In other words, you may or may not be able to control or change the circumstance, but with some training, you can learn to manage and alter your response. One of my favorite quotes on this concept is by Vivian Greene: "Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain." Most people do not know how to separate the drama from your drama; however, after reading this book, you will be a pro at recognizing what you can control and what you can't. You will realize that you may not be able to stop the rain, but you can learn to navigate the ship even in a storm with the right equipment, maintenance, and planning.
When you make a shift in any one of the eight areas, the impact will have a ripple effect. However, you will always be able to identify at least one of the three core components immediately
1. A lack of clarity (which I also refer to as fog)
2. A relationship issue
3. Resistance
When you experience drama, three questions to ask yourself are
1. Where am I unclear?
2. What is the relationship component?
3. What am I resisting?
Once you are able to identify how clarity, relationships, and resistance negatively impact your business, you can effectively create a quick solution to help you navigate positive change.
- CLEAR THE FOG
There are a million and one potential excuses as to why you are frustrated, stuck, and not getting what you want, but there is only one real reason: You are unclear. You have fog that is clouding your vision. The premise of the first Stop Workplace Drama principle, Clear the Fog, is as follows: 1. The one with clarity navigates the ship. 2. Clarity can change any situation.
The Peacemaker
If you are a peacemaker, you simply love people. You don't want to upset anyone or make anyone unhappy. However, without knowing it, your need to please others or benefit others keeps you confused about your own mission. You may be unaware of your unconscious needs and motives. You keep the peace, hold your tongue, and rescue others often at your company's expense. The outcome is that, as the peacemaker, you often end up feeling a sense of resentment because others never appreciate your sacrifices. Though you were unaware of this expectation, you come to anticipate something in return for your benevolence. When you don't receive anything, you tend to feel hurt and insecure about your leadership capabilities.
Clarity means having the courage to speak up even when it is challenging and ridding yourself of the justifications that keep you in your comfort zone.
If you have drama in your office, you are the person who is responsible for navigating in the fog.
The good news is this: To increase your power, all you have to do is eliminate the fog. Your vision has to be so clear and inspiring that no doubt exists as to who is in charge and in which direction you are going.
If your group endures petty arguments, disagreements, backstabbing, and power struggles, ask yourself if you are guilty of avoiding teamn meetings that would serve to update everyone on the new decisions and direction of the company, and consider their input.
You have probably already figured this out, but I'm still going to drive the idea home. All drama has one thing in common: a lack of clarity. So how do you identify this?
• Constantly changing directions
• Conflicting desires that hamper productivity
• Confusion
• Not knowing who the boss is
• Failing to enforce the rules
• Instability
• Insubordination
• Incongruent behavior
• Constant misunderstandings
• Lack of boundaries
• Resentment
• People pleasing and manipulation
• Analysis paralysis
• Waiting for everyone to understand and agree
Any type of discord, abuse, confusion, or game-playing always boils down to a lack of clarity. You will know that wherever drama is, clarity is not. When you are clear, lite is good and you are on the top deck; you're motivated by the vistos instead of down in the boiler room shoveling coal.
Who Is on the Top Deck?
If you are a business owner who is constantly covering for some incompetent employee, your employee is the one who is on the deck. If you are a leader who is allowing your boss to manipulate you or treat you like a doormat, you have lost your insight on who you are and how you want to be treated. If there is a drama queen in your office who stirs the pot, then I think we both know who is navigating the ship and it's not you.
How to gain clarity
Earlier, we talked about how being stuck in the fog can cause a lot of confusion and a lack of alignment. The first step to clearing that fog is to gain clarity on your values and goals, as we discussed. Here are three questions you must answer in order to become clear on your objectives:
1. Who am I?
2. What do I want?
3. What am I committed to?
Spend time thinking about this, and put pen to paper. How you define yourself, what you say you want, and what you claim to be committed to will not only help clear the fog, it will also give you your "true north," so to speak. If you aren't sure about what you want, you now know what your next step is-to define it. Answering the "what am I committed to" question will clear a lot of fog. If you meditate on these three questions and think deeply about your life and business, you will come to know what behaviors to eliminate, where you are wasting time, and what exactly is draining your energy. Your actions and words either align with what you have just said, or they point to significant problems. Either way, you have now gained awareness and cleared the fog.
If you don't know who you are and what principles you are committed to, any wing will sway you. Values matter: they shape your life and business.
Summary
Key Points
• One reason you don't have what you want is because von don't know what you want.
• Defining exactly what you want will increase clarity and lead you in the right direction.
• Drama is always due in part to a lack of clarity.
• The one with clarity navigates the ship.
• The words "but" and “should" are signs of resistance.
• The order of achieving your goals is figuring out "what," "who," and then "how."
• As a leader, your lack of clarity is creating more drama.
• Clarity can change any situation. Both peace and prosperity are equally important in eliminating drama from your life.
- IDENTIFY THE GAP
Besides a lack of clarity, the most likely reason that you're experiencing drama is that you get stuck in the gap the place between where you were and where you want to be. If your goal stretches you even a little, it's important to keep in mind that vour goal always looks easier to achieve than it is.
Shorten the Gap
The most pressing piece of advice in regard to how to address the gap is to intentionally "chunk it down." I also call this process shortening the gap and it is a crucial part of any goal-setting process. Here's why: Even if it's possible for a leader or visionary to remain motivated during difficult times, your team probably won't. You have to take care of those doing the rowing so that they stay engaged. My The founder of a successful motivational print company, Successories, and publishing company, Simple Truths, Mac Anderson, was quoted in Attitude Digest magazine: "When you set goals that are not realistic, your team is not motivated. If they have one doubt in their minds that they can reach that goal, then they are demotivated. But if it's realistic, they think they can do it, they are very motivated, and they move forward. Short term, one step at a time, just to get to the next plateau, and before you know it, you'll be a lot closer to the big dream that you started with”.
The visual I give is this: You see the big island and you are rowing toward it but there are five small islands in between you and your final destination. Reaching each island is a cause for celebration. Your responsibility as a leader is to give the team a bigger purppose to row toward and create an experience of success. If you are always using the carrot and stick approach, you won't have a very cohesive team.
It is crucial to define the gap-and, once goals are set, to celebrate the small successes along the way. It is equally important to keep identifying the gap throughout the joumey, adjusting as you go. You can easily complete all of these undertakings by holding a weekly meeting with your team.
Challenges in the Gap
Obviously, the problems in the gap are much like the problems that come when you're stuck in the fog. Here's why: You always lose clarity once you get stuck in the gap. Getting stuck in and of itself is an indicator that you have lost clarity. Remember: alldrama has one thing in common: a lack of clarity. The clearer you are, the easier it is to stay the course and deal with the challenges in the gap. When you get out of alignment with your goal (the physical gap), or who you are (the nonphysical gap), this creates what I call the integrity gap: something that will reveal your innermost challenges of character and hidden agendas.
You can't be committed to health and continue to smoke cigarettes; you can't be committed to being a good leader and want everyone to be your friend; you can't be committed to excellence and continue to yell at your employees; and you can't be committed to teamwork while making excuses about poor communication. Competing desires always cause drama.
Summary
How to fix problems in the gap:
• Have a measurement system and keep and keep your team posted on progress.
• Keep revisiting the vision so that it remains clear
• Shorten the big gap by establishing small benchmarks along the way.
• Rest and celebrate in between the gaps.
• Give your team the training and resources to help them.
• Reward and acknowledge success.
• Use weekly scheduled meetings to celebrate and update.
Questions to Answer
1. Do I know what is required to get from A to B?
2. Am I willing to do what is required?
3. Do we have a way to measure success?
4. Are there appropriate stopping places along the way?
5. What events or obstacles might test our commitment?
Learning Points
• The gap is the distance between where you are and where you want to be.
• There are two gaps: the physical and nonphysical.
• The second gap is the distance between who you are and who you want to be,
• There is always drama in the gap.
• The gap test helps you know what your challenges will be.
3. TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH
The premises of Tell Yourself the Truth:
1. Everyone lives their lives from the stories they believe.
2. Your truth is only one version of a larger reality.
3. Denial is a way to avoid responsibility.
All of us create stories to help us make sense of the world. These stories then become the beliefs and personal truths from which ve live our lives.
Communicating Upward with One in Denial
What is the best way to Communicate with someone who is ín denial--specifically, when she is in a position equal to yours or in a leadership capacity over you? I call this skill "owning your stuff." Start with the safest path-your part of the problem. This allows the other person to go to a safe place where he can listen wqithout feeling vulnerable.
Knowing how to discern fact from fiction efficiently is good leadership. What happens when you have to correct others by sharing an uncomfortable “truth” with them? There is always an optimal value at which anything become toxic, so truth must often be delivered cautiously and in small doses. Too big overdose can be overwhelming and self-defeating.
Summary
Questions to Answer
1. What are the facts?
2. What are the thoughts and feelings?
3. What new habits need to be developed?
4 Where do we need to course-correct?
Learning Points
1. Much of what you believe to be true is actually someone else's fiction.
2. Assumptions and white lies contribute to drama.
3. The brain has plasticity; therefore, anyone can change.
4. Leaders must learn how to separate fact from fiction.
5. Avoiding the truth is a means of avoiding responsibility.
6. Coming out of denial can be painful. The story is always created by thought and feeling.
7. You can create a new reality by creating new habits.
4. REINVENT AND REALIGN
Revenge and relying is all about becoming the person you want to be so that you can align with your values with clarity. This process will also allow you to mentor your employees to create their identities as individuals who not only empower themselves personally, but also support the team and your organization's mission.
WHO ARE YOU AS A LEADER?
Self-awareness is so vital because you can't effectively influence unless you know yourself first. In other words, if you are unaware of who you are being in your leadership role, you will influence your team but not necessarily in the way you want. We relate to other people through a device in the brain called mirror neurons. In simple terms, we get insights into how someone else thinks and feels when we watch him or her do something. If, for example, you constantly roll your eyes or frown when talking to people, their mirror neurons will communicate to them an emotional state of disgust, disagreement, or discounting.
Though my intentions were always to be of service, I was unable to make the needed shift until I became aware of the gap between my automatic patterns and my vision of myself.
Studies show that the strongest emotion in a team can ripple out and drive everyone to the same emotion without anyone consciously knowing why it is happening.
Leaders have an extraordinary amount of influence on their staff.
The more aware you are of who you are and who you want to be, the more harmonious your attitudes, language, and behavior will be and the more your team will trust your leadership. Are you being the person you claim to be? Do your actions align with the values you profess to have? Are you willing to abandon what doesn't fit as you tighten the gap? As you grow both personally and professionally-you must be willing to fine-tune this approach to assure that who you are matches who you want to be.
If you lead others and keep covering for your staff's mistakes; or you're hiding information from your own boss, board of directors, or whomever you're accountable to, then your impression of yourself is one who must rescue others or hide information. It might also mean that you see your superiors as people who will not help you or understand your dilemma, or, perhaps you are in denial. In that case, you probably don't consider yourself to be strong enough to handle the truth. But-if you change either how you see yourself or how you see others, your entire situation will change. If you stay in denial, things will only get worse.
You have to be willing to see yourself differently to facilitate different results, Whatever you choose to focus on will define yourself. Whatever you choose to focus on will expand. The island will get closer if you concentrate on moving ahead.
How to help your team reinvent and realign
Ask your employees if they want feedback when you see a gap or behaviors that are out of alignment with what they claim are their goals. This gives them choice in the matter and the chance to get rewarded for asking for help. Better yet, ask them to evaluate themselves on a regular basis. People are more conscious when they're compelled to be honest about their Own strengths and areas needing improvement. If you can elicit this kind of cooperation, you are training them to be aware of the skills and behaviors that are expected of them in order to advance their careers. Now you are on the same team, rowing together to help promote within.
For example, ask if you can give feedback on how your staff members represent themselves when they arrive late and how this impacts the rest of the team. Stick to the facts, and do not make it personal. Ask a simple question such as, "If you were leading others, what advice would you give to someone who has trouble being on time?" Or “how do you think tardiness could impact your opportunities, or entire team?" Then wait for the answer. This type of communication is respectful and nonthreatening when done correctly. Then follow up by asking for the behavior you want:"I want you to arrive on time to meetings prepared to share your ideas”.
Until employees learn how to be totally responsible, it is your job as leaders to guide their thinking. If your employees resist hearing the truth when you speak it kindly but directly, then mavbe they are not ready for the promotions. Perhaps they have some of their own drama work yet to do.
Summary
Questions to Answer
1. Who am I?
2. What am I committed to?
3. What actions and behaviors are out of alignment with who I say I am?
4. As a leader, am I getting my desired results?
Learning Points
• Who you think you are will influence your leadership style.
• We learn who we are through the mirror of relationships.
• Change takes time. Who you are is more powerful than where you are.
• To get different results, see yourself differently.
• “I am" equals my truth.
• If you do not trust yourself, you cannot act in your best interests.
• Getting your basic needs met is essential for leadership.
5. STOP RELATIONSHIP DRAMA
The Premise of Stop Relationship Drama Is This
Everything in life is centered on relationships, and relationships exist because of the way in which you think. You can only experience someone or Some situation in relationship to yourself: therefore, in order to change anything in your life, you must change the way you think about it. When you are willing to see another Person differently, you can change your relationship with that person. One of my favorite quotes by motivational author Terry Josephson is, "No matter where you go or what you do, you Live your entire life within the confines of your head.”
The way you see people will determine your ability to inspire and get others to collaborate with the team.
We treat people according to how we view them. Whether you are a parent, manager, or business owner, your job as leader is to first see yourself as a person of value, so that whatever you experience from others does not come across as a threat to your esteem. Operating from this place of security will make you less apt to react in ways that could harm the company or its members. Second, you must see the potential and speak to the highest and best version of the person you are mentoring or leading. In other words, you must learn how to honor the person and discount the story; otherwise, you will get trapped on the Karpman Drama Triangle.
The Rescuer Role
The rescuer role reveals itself in subtle ways and brings with it the need to make things right, fix problems, or take ownership of issues that don't belong to you. It shows up as feeling caught in the middle, drained from resentment, and as though you're never able to offer enough. It elicits the impression that no one can solve a given problem except you. Rescue tendencies can be mixed with a true desire to help and are common in those of us who like to control the show or make sure we are using time wisely.
In addition, rescuing makes us feel good and feeds the ego. We feel helpful and important, and even develop the belief that we have all the answers or are a hero in a time of new. Rescuing is a fairly common pattern in workplace situations.
The Distinction Between Rescuing and Helping
It can initially be difficult to distinguish between rescuing and helping. This can create some unnecessary drama; after all. you don't want to refuse to help when someone really needs a hand. However, the difference here is the energetic charge or the emotional component. Feeling resentful that someone did not take your advice is a sign that you were rescuing and not helping. On the other hand, when you help, you do so because it is a representation of who you are. You do not need to be the hero, because you are helping out of a desire to be of assistance. When someone asks for your input or guidance, project a little in advance to see how you will feel if you help. If you keep helping a coworker and his performance just keeps spiraling down, it's time to hold off and set some boundaries. When you help a coworker and your help is returned as a favor, or when the help was an out-of-the-ordinary request, then you probably feel good about it. This truly was helping, instead of covering for incompetence.
How to eliminate rescuing tendencies
"Nothing and no one can have control over you unless there is something you still want from them" (Tracy 2003). Sometimes we simply want approval or the knowledge that we have the power to change others. Second, you have to quit being responsible for everyone else's life and be responsible to your own-or as my husband used to say, understand that you are not the controller of the universe.
The two real questions here are:
Do you trust yourself to deliver vour trutlh in a kind way? And do you trust others to be mature enough to handle your truth? If not (and take a dee breath), vou don't have a real relationship anyway.
Enforce Your Rules
You mus be consistent with your rules when you're leading others whether they're spoken rules or documented in a hand book. One particularly helpful strength-building exercise is to learn how to set a boundary, or to say no in a kind way without apologizing-or without an anger reaction if they don't adhere to your request. This is much more difficult than it sounds. especially if others are used to manipulating you or see you as sweet and kind. We will talk more about boundaries as a way to master your energy. For now, focus on the lessons in this chapter and learn to identify the roles on the Triangle when they manifest.
Rescuer Checklist
1. Dificulty saying no.
2. Fighting other people's battles, and/or mending other people's arguments.
3. Allowing people to frequently borrow money from you.
4. Taking care of adult kids who are capable and competent.
5. Getting angry when people don't take your advice.
6. Hiding information from people because you think they can't handle it. 7. Believing that you know it all.
8. Feeling superior and more competent than those around you.
9. Sacrificing your needs in favor of others'.
10. Obsessing about other people's problems.
Eventually, your body or emotions will warn you that you have had enough. You will feel resentful, exhausted, taking advantage of, and misunderstood.
When you wake up from rescuing you feel like the victim.
How to ldentify Victim Behaviors in Your Staff
The victim complains. The victim loves an audience, whether of one or many. The fact is, complaining never solves a problem: it is just a spotlight for drama.
Sometimes it i is difficult to know how to manage an employee who is a complainer; after all, yOu do want one communication, and it is appropriate to help people to feel heard so they can process and move on. However, having an open door to hear incessant complaining does not equal good listening skills. One way to spot the victim in your staff is to notice that he or she usually doesn't want options or choices that will promote or enable change. The victim simply wants to be right. When you try to counsel an employee who is like this, you will hear versions of the tunes "But you just don't understand" and "I don't have any choices."
There may well be a kernel of truth in what you are hearing: the work may be difficult, or the situation may be unfair. However, while it's tempting to get hooked into the story, you must discount their claims and stand firm on seeing the employee as one who can discover choice.
Giving advice rarely works when someone is in victim mode. Let's face it; most of us do not like being told what to do, especially when we are emotionally stuck. When people have begun operating in the victim mode, they experience some degree of satisfaction of holding on to the rightness of their drama. Therefore, no matter what solution you offer, they simply will not accept your ideas. First of all, they want to be right. Second, their status is threatened when you have the answer, because they've already built a case around why they're right and your claims challenge their belief system. If you keep trying to offer feedback and solutions, I can guarantee you the victim will push your buttons; you will turn into a persecutor because you will be so angry at their inability to appreciate your efforts.
What to Do to Minimize Victim Behavior
You want to teach your staff to come prepared to identify the problem and to have at least an idea or partial solution that involves their active participation. When you create a culture of asking for what you want instead of complaining about what you don't want, your productivity will drastically increase and you won't be spending your time putting out fires. When you ask the question "What are your choices?" you mill know whether you are speaking to an empowered employee or a victim. The victim will always say, "I don't have any choices." Avoid the tendency to rescue, but remain kind and firm. “Jason, you are a capable and intelligent guy. I have seen your creativity in times of stress. What I want from you is to go take a short break, get a drink of water, and go back to work. Are you willing to Come back in an hour? If you need to, you can sleep on it. and then come back to me with a few possibilities."
Promote Empowerment
The empowered employee who is ready to take ownership will either come up with some possible choices, or at least be willing to see the light with a little help from you. When the time comes to resume the conversation, you can use the power of questions to help Jason gain clarity and relinquish the role of victim. When Jason keeps talking about what is not fair and what he doesn't want, turn the tables and ask him to answer this question: What do you want? He may just come up with more story. If so, interrupt gently and say, "Jason, I understand the problems. My question is: what do you want?" If he can name what he wants, then you've won half the battle. Your leadership can help him map out a plan or create some alternative choices. If the employee is determined to remain in the victim role, your job is to set some boundaries and guide him to see the choices. Just remember as you are trying to facilitate positive change-often, people secretly enjoy some of the payoffs of being a victim. They get attention or feel loved when others feel sorry for them, or they get to play out their drama and distract everyone else from productivity.
What we have just introduced with Jason's situation is coaching skills. Coaching involves the ability to detach from the person's drama, hold him in respect, and help him gain clarity and choice. As I mentioned above, it is never about the solution in the beginning. There is an energetic component going on. A solution would take the victim off the Triangle and out of the spotlight. If your employee avoids solutions and consistently says there is no choice, it's probably going to be time for a heart-to-heart, authentic conversation. You don't want to be silent about negativity: it is as contagious as a virus. You must address any bitterness associated with being a victim-which is listed below in the victim checklist.
Victim Checklist
1. Constant complaining.
2. Resisting solutions and sound advice.
3. Lacking boundaries.
4. A sense of being "done wrong'" all the time.
5. A fear of speaking up because someone might disagree.
6. Always borrowing money.
7. Relying on parents, even in adulthood.
8. Having unrealistic expectations from others.
9. Blaming, negativity, and excuse making.
10. Saying, "I didn't have a choice”
If you feel righteous anger, then it's a sign you may be about to shift from victim to persecutor, the most dangerous place on the Triangle.
Role Reversals
Beware of the anger that often initially erupts when you finally recognize you have had enough--when you are sick and tired of your staff taking advantage, or when someone above you doesn't respect your ideas. Your anger is an indicator that you are about ready to switch roles.
Role reversal occurs when the victim feels powerless and needs to use anger, power struggles, or similar types of manipulation to control the situation. It also happens when the rescuer is angry, or tired of helping the victims of the world only to feel angry and victimized for getting nothing in return. It's easy to fall into the persecutor role once you have gotten comfortable in a relationship. Just look back at the times you have snapped at your spouse or rolled your eyes at your mother because you knew you would be forgiven. Persecution also appears when you have helped a person time and time again, but feel as if you've gotten nothing in return. You've had enough, and you finally let her have it.
The Persecutor
The persecutor is the person in the boat who beats with the oars instead of rowing with the team. He blames others for his outbursts and tirades instead of learning how to master his energy and take responsibility.
Much like the victim but with more force, the persecutor spends energy and time focusing on the negative-whether it is the fault of others, what should have happened, or why everyone else is wrong. Instead of finding solutions or operating as a team member, the persecutor thinks of ways to make his point, how to get revenge and even keeps score in.
The persecutor fails to see that he loses power by letting circumstances or other people pull his strings. He often has the potential to be an extremely high achiever if he can learm to leave the role behind. The extra energy that has been used on negativity and manipulation could be harnessed to achieve greatness. of fueling the fire of his rage.
The goal when dealing with the persecutor is to convert anger to positive action that can help him move ahead, instead of fueling the fire if his rage.
Persecutor Checklist
1. The need to win every argument.
2. Feeling right most of the time, claiming that they can "prove it."
3. Believing that others don't see their own faults.
4 Being blunt even if feelings are hurt. 5. Perceived by others to be unapproachable.
6. Making fun of others.
7. Sarcastic and disrespectful.
8 Hitting below the belt.
9. Having consistently angry outbursts.
10. Engaging in eye rolling and other forms of discounting.
When You Are the Persecutor
The persecutor is perhaps the most interesting role, because while it's fairly easy to identify in someone else, it's difficult for people to see it in themselves. That is because you only see your own point of view when you persecute; you have analyzed the situation upside-down, backward and forward, and have found yourself to be right in every circumstance. Of course, this is also true for the victim and the rescuer. I found myself that the more I studied the persecutor role, the more I identified with it. I have been guilty of cutting off people midsentence, using anger to get my way, or rolling my eyes in disagreement. This, again, is where clarity comes in. When you figure out what your values are and catch yourself engaging in behaviors that indicate an integrity gap, you clean the situation up quickly instead of creating more relationship drama or justifying rude behavior. Remember the goal of "no complaints, no excuses, and no regrets"? I could definitely excuse the behavior by saying "I'm just playing"; but the reality is that you will have regrets any time you go against your values. I am now crystal clear about how I want to show up in the world and while there is always room for growth, there is no room for excuses about bad behavior.
Getting Off the Triangle
The only way off the Triangle is by accepting responsibility and adopting the mind-set of becoming a creator. Stepping off the Triangle is a process; you never will be completely drama free. The saying "You teach what you need to learn'" applies here: if you teach these things to your staff, they'll become further embedded in your words and actions. Remember this: The journey is in the gap. Life is about growth and learning from mistakes; so don't start beating yourself with the oars. That is a game of solitary drama.
Awareness
When it comes to escaping the Triangle, willingness is the key, awareness is the doorknob, and responsibility is the door. Let's turn that knob and increase the awareness before we walk through the door.
Notice how you think and how you feel when you have enabled someone to become dependent upon your expertise, support, or competency. Are you drained because your effort: have gone unrewarded? These kinds of thoughts will lead to resentment, which is a warning sign that your persecutor is about to erupt. Beware of justifying your anger and resentment that is a thought clue and merely a way to prove you are right. It's another form of excuse-making or getting others to agree with the rightness of your position. Even if you believe you are justified in the resentment, it doesn't warrant persecuting someone else. Remember, you don't want to create an excuse that leads to regret.
As a leader, you are required to be open to and see the reality of the situation--and you are required to bring your staff out of denial on a regular basis. If you are letting substandard performance, bickering, backstabbing, and other forms of drama erupt in your business, I can promise you that someone is in denial. You may justify this person's behavior because your company is going through a big change, or you may procrastinate about confronting unwanted behavior to light because you dread the conflict. However, the longer you let it go on, the uglier it is going to get. You can't escape the responsibility before you. You must constantly balance the task of motivating and leading with bringing your people out of denial.
When you give feedback, people feels threatened, so make sure you approach these issues with kid gloves. I suggest that you observe these two rules:
1. Never catch anyone off guard.
2. Always correct in private and do it in a positive, team oriented approach, with the intention of bringing out the employee's best.
The way to avoid drama is to catch the problem early instead of letting it faster.
Teach the Principles in Your Workplace
I recommend teaching the concepts of the Drama Triangle to your employees in a staff-development meeting. Doing so will increase company-wide awareness and promote healthy workplace relationships. You can have some fun with these concepts, and share with each other how they play out in your personal lives. That exercise alone will create a sense of camaraderie while your staff learns valuable principles. In fact, research shows that creating teams has as much to do with camaraderie as it does with core competencies. You certainly don't have to do an all-day retreat on the ropes course; just use a few simple programs to enhance solidarity between workers. Also, make sure that you facilitate discussion instead of lecturing. You want your employees to talk about their lives, so make it fun and don't corect or criticize if they don't understand the concepts immediately. Plant the seed now; you can start referring to the concepts later as you create a drama-free workplace.
Summary
Learning Points
• All drama has a relationship component.
• Relationship is really how you think about someone or something.
• The primary workplace relationship exists between boss and employee.
• When you see others differently, you promote their growth.
• We treat people according to how we view them.
• The Drama Triangle is a tool to help you identify drama.
• To exit the Triangle, you must recognize choice and become responsible.
• Willingness is the key, awareness is the doorknob, and responsibility is the door.
• Notice the thought and feeling clues to increase awareness.
6. MASTER YOUR ENERGY
The premise of "Master Your Energy" is this: Everything in the universe is made up of energy, and all energy systems work together. Therefore, the leader who understands how to master energy can help bring out the best in others. In turn, this will help to eliminate much of the complaining and excuses-not to mention turnover, burnout, and power struggles.
Since everything in the universe has energy, productivity and well-being are direct related to mastering energy. Mastering energy occurs when we create boundaries, have our needs met, and develop systems to help maximize and leverage time. The better you are at mastering your energy, the higher your personal effectiveness-and the more positive the impact you have on others.
Being in charge of your emotional, mental, spiritual, environmental, and physical energy can make you a very positive role model.
The more we take responsibility for the energy we bring to the world, the more empowered and productive we become. The more we blame others or external circumstances, the more negative and compromised our energy is likely to be
Energy is power, and we all lose power in various ways. Some of us do not get enough rest, while others let their mind wander endlessly over problems.
How Processes and Procedures Save Energy
If you are allowing for too much creativity without good processes and procedures, I can guarantee you that some considerable drama is coming. When you understand the power of rhythm, you can use it to motivate your team. For example, establishing a system or a standard operating procedure will help to conserve energy. In other words, once you make a decision on how things are to be done, you no longer have to make this decision again. Then when a misunderstanding occurs, you have a documented process prepared to handle it like an employee handbook to refer to. Everyone understands the rules; they are not changed unless there is good reason. And should a good reason occur, all leaders and decision makers communicate and enforce those changes.
Create a standard operating procedure manual as a way to preserve and replicate the processes that work. The first step is document every step you follow in a given project. For example, you might have Sandra document each step that it takes to complete the tasks her job requires. This lays the foundation for growth. Then, if you want to promote Sandra, you'll have a documented training manual to which you refer and which wll allow Sandra to train her replacement. In addition, you now have a document of what Sandra's job requires, and the steps involved to carry it to fruition in case Sandra should quit or decide that she is indispensable. In other words, you have the power-not Sandra.
This is common knowledge for anyone leading a team in corporate America or working in a highly regulated private practice. However, you still might be missing pieces where you could create rules, standards, or other processes that would eliminate much of the drama that is slowing you down.
Setting Boundaries
I'm going to keep a promise that I made to you in an earlier chapter when I claimed that enforcing rules helps to eliminate drama. This is the ability to have a very strong no and stick to it. One of the biggest energy-wasters in many businesses is a lack of boundaries. For all the positive hype around phrases like "no boundaries" and “no limits"-that glorify the opportunity to engage in everything under the sun as if we were skillfully skiing off cliffs--the case has already been made that too many choices can have you drowning in the sea of opportunity. Therefore, boundaries just like discipline can actually be more freeing than restraining. There are a couple of definitions for "boundary," one of which is any line or thing marking a limit; bound; border. So. your policies and rules are types of boundaries. However, I have another definition that I believe is more inspiring: a boundary is a frame around your choices.
You train your employees to set an appointment, and come to you with an agenda that includes the following:
• The problem.
• How this problem impacts productivity, teamwork, or customer service.
• Ideas for solving the problem.
• Choices for handling it.
Now you have eliminated all the interruptions and your employees will start thinking like problem-solvers instead of complainers.
Master Emotional Energy
Mastering your emotions on a personal level will increase your health, improve your persona effectiveness, and help you build rewarding relationships.
Leaders carry a heavy load. How would your energy impact your ability to lead? Wouldn't it be great to be in control and feel confident to respond to a sarcastic comment with a deep breath and question of clarification, instead of retorting with sarcasm? Suppose a client, colleague, or patient has some negative feedback. Wouldn't it be great if you could see this criticism as information for your ben benefit instead of something to take personally? Wouldn't you prefer to stand firm in saying no without being angry when someone tried to manipulate you? This is what life will be like when you master your emotions. You will no longer be controlled by an unconscious mind pattern, but instead you will be able to guide your own actions in response to the feedback you receive from life. This is what emotional mastery is all about.
Living in the Zone
Part of what drains energy emotionally and mentally is living too far into the future and/or too far in the past.
When you live too much in the past or future, you negate the only real power you have, that which you hold on the present moment.
You can only solve the problem now but because you resisted now you feel frustrated and overwhelmed.
Create an Energetic Starting Place
Emotionally, spiritually, and mentally speaking, your starting point - your intention and state of mind - fundamentally determines your journey and even your final outcome.
The problem is that most of us are not aware enough of our emotional states before we begin an interaction. Have you ever surprised yourself by having a conversation that turned ugly without even realizing that you had a kernel of resentment toward the other person? Without warning, you undercut someone with your quick wit and sharp tongue.
If you are not aware oI you intention before an interaction, you will become aware of it afterwards. Your final response to any interaction tells you where you were really starting from and what your real intention was no matter what you initially thought.
Leadership requires wisdom and self-control.
Talking when Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan. and Al Switzler, gives the following superb advice: "Start with heart. If you can't get yourself right, you'll have a hard time getting the dialogue right. When conversations become crucial, you'll resort to the forms of communication that you grew up with--debate, silent treatment, manipulation, and so on"
This concept builds on what I spoke about earlier: We need to see ourselves and other people differently, and avoid the tendency to see others as enemies. As I also mentioned before, you need to create an energetic starting place. If you know your intention, you will be headed toward the island called "authentic communication" instead of the one called "Tm right, you're wrong," New research supports the notion that others can sense your emotional state and be influenced by it.
This highlights the significance of mastering your emotions before working with a client or discussing an important issue with your staff.
Focus Your Energy
Focus is an extremely important way to master team energy. Have you ever heard the phrase "what you focus on expands'? If you concentrate on what is not working, you get more of the same. Focusing on the negative simply breeds more negativity.
Summary
Questions to Answer
1. Where do I most often lose energy?
2. Where do I need to set some boundaries?
3. With whom do I need to have an authentic conversation)
4. What measures can we take to sharpen our focus?
Learning Points
• Good leadership requires self-mastery.
• Leaders set the workplace climate.
• Scattered energy invites chaos.
• You must require rejuvenation to increase productivity.
• Never add more than 10 percent to the workload without adding resources.
• You must always balance choice with responsibility.
• Boundaries create a frame around choice.
• Know your energetic starting place.
• Good process is good energy management.
7. RELEASE RESISTANCE
No matter how great you are as a leader, you will face what I believe to be one of the biggest roadblocks to productivity and personal effectiveness: resistance.
The core of resistance is the nonacceptance of what is. You avoid because you don't want to face whatever it is that you don't want to face. You complain because you can't deal with a certain situation, or you justify an angry outburst because you cannot accept the hand that has been dealt to you.
The premise of releasing resistance is this: You cannot solve a problem until you accept the situation. When you jump into a solution before releasing resistance, you will just experience more drama. The solution only comes after you let go of your resistance.
Resistance can be identified by four main energy patterns: blame, resentment, justification, and judgment.
Resistance is always a state of nonacceptance and an avoidance of responsibility, Nonacceptance starts as a thought impulse such as, “I don't want to go through this (fill in the blank)," That thought triggers an emotional response such as frustration, dread, irritation, or guilt, then quickly materializes into more observable behaviors such as anger outbursts, finger pointing, blaming, as well as subtle behaviors such as avoidance and procrastination. In the end, resistance boils down to an unconscious avoidance of responsibility, which spirals into negativity, then finally into full-blown drama.
What is most difficult to accept is that resistance and your own unhappiness are not due to the unwanted situation. They creep in because of how you think about the situation. In other words, your relationship to the situation is more important than the situation itself.
If you want to change a situation, the easiest way is to first change how you think about the situation. If you can become conscious enough to first change your relationship to the situation, you'll avoid the trap of trying to force change through resistance.
The illusion is always that if the situation or person would change, then your problem would be solved. But all this illusion does is to create more drama because it places the power outside of your control. Your sanity and peace of mind depend upon another person or a preferred situation. You only make resistance stronger when you attribute your drama to another person or an unwanted situation.
For example-avoiding a difficult conversation with an employee eventually leads to frustration. You believe that everything would work out if your employee would just change. You resent her for putting you in this position. She's an idiot, you tell yourself, and then you feel guilty for thinking bad thoughts. Because you are focused on the negatívity, all you can see are the problems, flaws, and mistakes this employee makes on a continual basis. You dread coming to work, and your attitude impacts the rest of the team.
That is how resistance turns quíckly into negative energy in the form of complaining, backstabbing, bickering, and power struggles. The underlying problem is your own resistance and inability to recognize it -and thus take responsibility for it.
There's a little bit of hidden pleasure when you go on a rant and start complaining, something that makes you urge to get agreement about some discomfort.
NEGATIVITY SPREADS LIKE A VIRUS.
If you are focusing on what everyone else is doing wrong, you will find plenty of evidence to prove yourself right. Of course, being right and resisting only keeps you on the Drama Triangle; but at least nothing is ever your fault. The only problem is, you are the one experiencing the discomfort and ever-expanding drama.
While this doesn't mean that you should ignore the negative, there is a difference between observing and complaining. When you observe that which you do not want, do so with the mind-set of quickly finding a solution or accepting what you cannot change. Continuing to focus on what is not working-and bringing others on the bandwagon--only feeds the fire of drama. It's bad enough when the staff has drama-but it's even worse when the boss is negative.
Research tells us that the number one reason employees leave companies is due to relationship problems with the boss. People leave bosses, not organizations.
The brain is programmed for negativity.
Negativity never solves a problem.
Why then do we participate in blaming, complaining, backstabbing, and gossiping? We do it to lessen the pain discomfort that taking responsibility requires of us.
The one thing that each person can take responsibility for is our frame of mind or attitude.
Complaining only serves to anchor the boat in place, or slowly chip away at its hull until it leaks. Others will join your drama if you complain about the sun. Misery loves company. And while complaining and judging does nothing to solve your problem, it does make you feel better about yourself. If you have drama in the office, it's much easier to talk about the staff than it is to shore up your leadership skills.
When there is drama in the office, there is leak in the boat.
It's absolutely necessary to release resistance and accept what is before you can do anything productive about the situation you want to change. In other words, you separate the drama (the situation) from your drama (your reaction) before you react or respond. Before you make any big change, clean your energy. Get clear about your real intention. Do not be fooled into thinking you can complain, finger point, manipulate, and argue your way into positive change-because positive change cannot come from a negative mind-set.
Listen for Clues
When you become a good listener, you'll be a good listener, you'll not only be able to identify the patterns of resistance in popular culture and conversations; you can use this skill to lead others. You can ask a question when you're interviewing a potential employee and listen for blame, resentment, justification, and judgment. When you try to figure out who is going to be a troublemaker, just listen to the patterns. This skill will help you hire responsible, positive, problem-solving people instead of blaming, negative, resistant people.
RESPONSIBILITY IS THE RECOGNITION OF CHOICE.
Turning Complainers into Problem-Solvers
As we discussed in a previous chapter, you need to teach your employees to bring an idea, partial solution, or suggestion for moving forward when they come to you with a complaint. Now, the options don't necessarily have to be the best choices, or the right ones-but simply recognizing that there are choices will enable someone to leave the victim role behind. They can then find the power to make a suggestion, accept what is, or ask for what they want in a way that benefits the whole organization. A leader's job is to help others figure out how to work together to fulfill the group or organization's goals.
When people are clear about who they are and what they want, they don't waste time on drama. When people feel empowered, they do not resort to blaming others for their unhappiness. They take responsibility to ask for what they want, initiate change, stay with a difficult conversation, and look for solutions.
You can't change what you dint recognize
Until your employees recognize their choices, nothing much will change, because everyone is running on autopilot. But reprogramming is not as difficult as it seems. Simply teaching people to identify the four energy patterns and making them aware of these principles for about a month would most likely put the wheels of change in motion. Remember, what you focus on expands. If you want to improve in any area, concentrate improvement.
Training is really nothing more than programming or programing. It takes consistency to change an ingrained habit, whether that habit is how you drive your car or how you process information. That is why negativity breeds negativity: we're programmed to look for and experience drama.
The Fulcrum Point of Change
There is a place where lasting change happens, and it can't occur through force or resistance. You can't persuade or judge someone into being a better worker. Most of us, even very competent leaders, respond to resistance with more resistance. So while you can't manipulate change, you can create a tipping point where change happens. I refer to this moment as the Fulcrum Point of Change. There is a place right before change -a kind of energy pattern- that opens the space for change. This pattern is called WILLINGNESS; this is the Fulcrum Point of Change, and the ANTIDOTE TO RESISTANCE. When you learn how to move your people into a state of willingness, you will be amazed at the cooperation and flow that emerges. Once you learn the related concepts and the language, you'll see how this skill translates in both your personal and professional life.
The Magic Phrase
There's a magic phrase you can use to turn the situation around when a complainer comes to you in a state of resistance. When your own boss is angry and negative, you can use the magic phrase to get him back to a reasonable place of peace.
The Magic phrase is: ARE YOU WILLING?
Whenever you're stuck, you’re rowing in circles, never getting to where you say you want to go. You want to go too the island but are not willing to get into the boat.
I do not know if this woman ever took the dance lessons or not. My job as trainer was not to get her to take dance lessons. My role was to get her to align so that there was no more division.
Until we undergo this process, we sometimes lie to ourselves and others about what we want: justify why we can't have what we want; blame other people or circumstances for us not having what we want; then feel resentment toward our situation and judge ourselves for not having the courage to change the situation. This is nothing but resistance and a lack of awareness. You see, it didn't matter to me whether this woman decided to take dance lessons or not. It mattered that she gained clarity to either go to the island called "I don't want dance lessons" or to the island called "dance lessons." Either way, she was going to have to be willing to release the desire, be embarrassed, or spend money. The Fulcrum Point of Change involves finding the point of willingness that will align you with what you really want and allow movement again.
The Fulcrum Point of Change at Work If you want to coach someone else out of resistance, make sure that you are coming from clean energy first. Don't take action if you are feeling resentful, or if you are judging yourself or someone else. Once you are starting from a solid place, then you can decide what action isn't working. For example: If you have a coworker who always leaves you a mess, simply ask (instead of blaming or complaining), "Larry, would you be willing to take this stack of papers off my desk and file them?" The challenge will be to hold your tongue, and not go on and on. In this instance, you are the one who has to be willing to change the way you lead-and this willingness has to take place from one end or the other. That is when change happens.
Larry will either agree or offer resistance. If he resists then you must be willing to find out why. Consider that there may be good reason and now you get to find out why. Don't fall into the trap of resisting just because he does keep releasing resistance, and you will see some movement. “Yes, Larry, I can see why it is difficult to finish on time. Are you willing to stop a little earlier so that I can come back to a clean area?" See how you acknowledged what is difficult for Larry but still asked for his cooperation? This is much more effective than saying, "Larry, quit making excuses and clean up your mess." No matter what your leadership role- parent, supervisor, administrator, leader, or owner - guiding those you lead into acting on choice is the key to developing a responsible team. Listen for the patterns of blame, resentment, justification, or judgment anytime you are stuck. The people you lead must be willing before any change can occur. Telling someone how to be or act is not going to create lasting and positive change. You could say to your employee, "I want you to get a better attitude, and I want you to be a team player," but she won't know how to do this. She is just reacting from programming and unconsciousness outside of the understanding of responsibility. Because she does not understand how to be responsible, she is looking for a rescuer and will ask her boss to fix her problems. She does not realize she is wearing the ruby slippers.
In leading others to responsible choice you show them that they have the power and have had it all along.
Summary
Questions to Answer
1, What do we need to accept now that seems unacceptable
2. Where is negativity showing up?
3. What are some possible ways to facilitate positive change?
4. What must we be willing to do to move forward?
5. What kind of training is needed to assist the team
Learning Points
• You cannot facilitate lasting change until you accept what is
• Resistance is the nonacceptance of what is.
• The brain is wired for negativity.
• The four energy patterns of resistance are blame, resentment. justification, and judgment.
• People make the same mistakes over and over again due to old programming.
• You need to train people to reprogram negative habits.
• Responsibility is the recognition of choice.
• The Fulcrum Point of Change is willingness.
8. BECOME A CREATOR
Always seek out and encourage creative employees who see choices even in difficult times. A key distinction of a creator is someone who recognizes choice. Great employees are the ones who believe in free will.
The Premise of Becoming a Creator Is This
The path to developing a great team and positive workplace is empowerment. Leaders must be able to develop other creators. Creators take responsibility and see opportunity. They don't blame the economy, another person, or a situation. They live life in the flow and from the field of possibilities. "Become a creator" is a fancy way of saying take responsibility. According to The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic) author David Emerald, creators concentrate on the Outcomes they are committed to achieving, Rather than merely reacting to problems and focusing on what they don't want, they focus their vision on what they do want.
Even when the boat springs a leak, the empowered and creative employee will choose instead of react. There will be a bigger gap between stimulus and response.
The frst part of being a creator is to recognize choice. Since leadership is about influencing others, a leader's number one duty is to be a role model and teach others about personal responsibility. That means helping others to step out of the old programming of the victim mode and recognize choice. After that it's all about skills, the first of which is to listen.
Listen
Set some time aside just to listen to the conversations that are going on in your workplace. Chances are, you'll notice that a lot of time is being wasted complaining or revisiting the past. This "victim language" is the opposite of the more empowering and exciting "creator language." In the second type, you will hear conversations about options, choices, possibilities, collaboration, and problem solving.
Speak
Train yourself not only to listen for victim language but also to speak as a powerful creator. This requires you to clean up any unconscious patterns you may still have. Any time you hear negativity, you know there is a potential drama problem brewing. Any time that you or your team members' language indicates a lack of choice, you have a red flag, a blind spot or opportunity.
There are some vital leadership skills you can use to empower your team. AIl of the following suggestions are made with the assumption that, as the leader, you are either already skilled in speaking as a creator or you are totally committed to improving any weak areas before expecting your staff to change.
Ask Good Questions
The better your questions, the more positive the influence you will have over your team. It has been said that the answer is in the question: in other words, we get what we ask for. For example, asking "'Why do you always make the same mistake?” is a question that will give you an answer in the form of information or an excuse, but probably not a solution or positive change, However, asking something like "How can we avoid making that mistake again?" helps you to identify the problem and seeks a solution for positive change. While there is no denial that a mistake has been made, there is also no blame and no room for excuses. The brain is designed to answer questions, so be careful what you ask it. If, for instance, you ask yourself "Why am I so incompetent?" your answer might be that you never finished college, you are unstable, and you are too stubborn to ask for help. And there's your answer. However, if you ask "What can I do to increase my competency on this project?" your brain can now say to you, "You can ask for some help; you can spend Some time doing research; you can get enough rest so you are more alert." Asking the right question can make all the difference.
THREE QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU EMPOWER YOUR TEAM AND GENERATE SOLUTION
• The Responsibility question: What are your choices?
• The Vision question: What do you want?
• The Decisive question; What are you committed to?
The Responsibility Question
There is one question that you need in your leadership toolbox that trumps all others because it helps you get your team members to recognize choice-and it's as simple as this: "What are your choices?"
If in any instance you hear "I didn't have a choice" or “I don't I have any choices” or if you hear any trace of blame, resentment, justification, or judgment, such as “I wouldn't have done that if she hadn't started it” then you tell John, Betty, or Rhonda to think about it and come back tomorrow at two o'clock to talk about possible choices. Period.
Although you may be tempted to buy into their story or try to fix it for them, be patient instead. You must empower them to be responsible, and they can't do that until they recognize that they have a choice. I am not suggesting they will love their choices, mind you: I'm simply saying that in order to expand their opportunities, they must first recognize their sense of responsibility by way of their choices. I'm also not saying that you can't be compassionate and offer some coaching later on. But you don't want to do this too soon; otherwise, it will be an instance in which you're rescuing a victim.
Try to see your employees as powerful, accountable individuals, and have good intentions for their improvement and transformation. And when they do come back to you the next day, reward them with praise. I promise you will see a shift in their demeanor, which is always an indicator that change has taken place.
The Vision Question
If the choice question does not work (or even if it does), there's another question to keep in your toolbox that will help you move forward instead of blabbing about what is not working: "What do you want?" Most people have no clue what they really want. If they knew, they wouldn't waste time on drama-centered talk. Instead, they would spend more time discussing what island they want to go to than talking about what is wrong with the island they are marooned on.
Talking about what you don't want does nothing but waste time. Unfortunately, most of us are guilty of focusing on what is not working. The question that eventually breaks that spell by bringing us out of drama and to a decision is "What do you want?" If you can detach from the need to rescue others from their drama, asking these questions can be quite entertaining and can teach you a lot about others and yourself.
Many will start a never-ending storytelling. "Wait a minute," I said. "Please, in one or two sentences, tell me what you want - and we can get started making that happen."
This question was followed by utter silence-and a few dropped jaws.
If you can coach your team members to verbalize what they want, then you will help to facilitate positive change- not to mention save lots of time in eliminating unproductive storytelling.
Do Not Take the Bait
Please be aware of how easy it is to take the bait, in other words, to take part in arguing, making others feel guilty (persecution), rescuing by offering to do things you will regret later, and so on.
The first thing you want to do when you hear negativity and complaining is to offer a solution; however, there's usually some element of resistance until the emotional component is managed.
Your second impulse might simple to instruct team members to stop bickering and just do as you say. You may want to say something like "If you don't like it, find another place to work' or “No one else is complaining."
A third reaction is to leave the meeting, and then go blow off steam to your closest work confidant about how clueless your entire committee is. Taking this route is a sure sign that you have taken the bait.
All these reactions only keep the drama alive when you want to be building creators instead. You have to be incredibly clear with your team members so that you do not get pulled into their negativity and claims that everything is impossible.
Here is how: The minute you hear even the slightest trace of negativity, resistance, or drama, take a breath and separate yourself mentally. Consider the following creative visual; it can make the drama less intense while helping you keep your sense of humor. Visualize yourself as a fish and your coworkers' negativity as a huge hook with a juicy worm. You might want to picture something like a large slice of cheesecake, or anything else that would be tempting for you to bite onto. This will change your experience; it will be as if you are watching a movie instead of playing the starring role.
You have effectively separated yourself from the drama.
If your awareness has not developed enough to notice the hook, you will take the bait. Remember how I told you in Principle 1 that the person with clarity navigates the ship? As a leader, you have to be so clear that you don't get pulled into the complaints, excuses, and regrets. Asking the right question can get everyone back on track. As soon as you notice an increased amount of storytelling and complaining among your staff, you want to ask: "What do you want?" Once a person is able to articulate exactly what she wants, you'll be able to frame the “Are you willing?" question cast earlier. You can then state exactly what is going to be required to fulfill the commitment.
Do Not Be Fooled
Despite the power it can have to turn certain situations around, this question does not always bring instant results. There is some lag time so be prepared. You may hear some version of a hopeless question like "I want to know why this always happens to me”. Don't be fooled by this kind of fake answer, because that's not what you were looking for. That answer is a trap to bait the hook and complain. Always be prepared for more storytelling-how someone did someone wrong, why the system needs to change, or why something is "not my job." Just keep coming back to the central question by applying the broken record technique. Continue to ask, "What is it that you want?" Do not add another two cents to the conversation until that question has been answered honestly and appropriately.
"I Want a Raise!"
How many times have you heard something along the lines of "What I want is a raise" or "What I want is a promotion that includes a corner office and a new title"? It's as if you are a genie in a bottle who can grant these requests without any effort on anyone else's part. Once again, you must teach them to be responsible and to become creators by helping them articulate in one sentence what they want, why they are qualified, and how moving them up in the company adds value to the overall mission and vision. You can't get to the island if you can't name the island or at least point in the general direction.
The Decisive Question
Once you have helped your employees to recognize choice and have asked for what they want, you now have to test their Commitment. Just because someone is clear on what they want does not mean that they'll necessarily do what is required to get it. Remember the chapter about the Fulcrum Point of Change? Nothing will happen until someone is willing. A lack of willingness in the form of excuses, blame, or resistance is a signal that you should revert back to the first question: "What are your choices?" Sometimes there's still a lack of responsibility-or an unwillingness to do what is required-even though someone claims to want something.
Your next question in circumstances such as these - when someone knows what she wants and you see her potential - should be "What are you committed to?" This question is very aligned with the question we talked about in the chapter on the Fulcrum Point of Change. Willingness and commitment go hand in hand. When a person is committed, she is willing to do what it takes to get the promotion or raise. However, you must first help this person to develop the list of criteria. This is a critical way that you can have a hand in the process of advancing people in your company.
I Already Know
The question "What if?" is in direct opposition to the statement, "I already know..." Any time you hear yourself or anyone else start a sentence with "I already know," use the What if?" statement to open the field of possibility. In fact, I hope you are motivated just reading the "What if?" sentences above. Any time you are stuck, play this game to expand your mind as much as you can.
The What If? Game
If you really want to have fun with the "What if" game, incorporate it into one of your informal meetings or staff development sessions. Let one person start with a What if?" and then encourage the next person to add to the previous question. You will have a few laughs and open your mind to countless possibilities. Select two or three "What ifs?"" to focus on for the week. One of the reasons that negativity and resistance pervade our workplaces is because we have forgotten the joy of creativity. We often get stuck in what is and do not consider the possibilities of what could be. When you are acting as a leader creator, you can move mountains. People want to be engaged and part of something bigger. The phrase "What if?" will do wonders to open the field of possibilities. Until something is considered, it is not really possible to look for evidence that will support a given opportunity.
Someone has to ask "What if?" in order for something new to emerge. However, most of the instances in which we ask this question are couched in negative ways. What if it doesn't work? What if he says no? What if we lose our biggest client? While looking toward the future with these pessimistic "What if?" scenarios can be helpful for developing plan B or measuring your risks, there is another way to use "What if?" If you find yourself stuck in your business, incapable of seeing any way out of a bad situation-then it's time to open the field of possibility by asking "What if?" in a more positive way.
What if we can create a miracle today?
• What if there is a way to avoid a layoff?
• What if there is something that we're not seeing?
What if we need to rethink our target market?
• What if we can turn this around in two weeks?
What if we can afford the new equipment?
• What if it turns out to be easier than we think?
• What if we could start working better as a team?
This exercise works on many levels to help increase your awareness around any area where you need to step up your game, attract new clients, or gain new insights.
Suppose you try to do these exercises but you get no engagement. Your staff sits there at the meeting with their arms crossed and mouths closed. This kind of reaction indicates that there's some foundational work you need to do first in terms of building trust. A negative climate isn't going to elicit any cooperation from a one-time team meeting whose goal is to find evidence of better things to come. Creating a new climate of creators is a journey - an ongoing process that can vary in length, depending on many variables.
Acknowledge the Good
People are motivated by success. The best way to acknowledge people is by recognizing their qualities and talents. Make a list of the key people you need to involve in helping you implement change, and list one admirable quality or talent that each of these people possesses.
For example, Sarah is very detailed and accurate, Jason always has a positive outlook and is very charismatic and articulate, and Renee is the best at solving customer problems.
Address each team member individually to compliment them on these traits and ask for advice. "Sarah, you are so detailed and accurate. I've been watching you and I'm impressed. I am looking at ways we can evolve to make next year the best year yet. I can see how improving accuracy among everyone is going to save us $10,000 next year-so I want your ideas on how we might be able to do this. Are you willing to come to me with some ideas by Thursday the 23rd? All I ask is that you, take some notes and be conscious of areas of opportunity."
Now you have planted a seed for the task at hand in Sarah's head and made her feel good about herself in the process. You do the same thing one-on-one with those whom you want to engage. The process is to uncover their best traits and abilities, call them into the office, compliment them on these, and ask for their ideas on a given project by a certain date.
These conversations need not be longer than 15 minutes. When Sarah, Jason, and Renee come to you, compile their written ideas and schedule a team meeting with the entire staff. You could do four per week for two months and have a substantial amount of buy-in before you even start to implement change.
Create a Vision
After the first two months of gathering data and holding one-on-one meetings, schedule a team gathering for which you create an agenda with three items. The first item on the agenda should be to thank everyone for the ideas they contributed. Second, you'll want to give a report of the suggestions. The third Step should be to brainstorm with the group to create a vision of what could be.
There are thousands of ways to get your team engaged in the vision. You may need to actually schedule a retreat to take this further, depending on the size of your company, your goals, and the amount of change you are going through. However, whatever your company's size and objectives, you will have success if you can lay a foundation and get everyone involved in the vision. People support what they help to create.
What if all their ideas are crazy? It is important that you learn how to self-monitor and keep from rolling your eyes when Janet suggests something absurd, or when Ken's contribution indicates just how clueless he really is. You have to remain open. You already know you aren't going to be able to implement every idea and that not all ideas are even feasible. The goal here isn't to implement every single suggestion you hear, it's to transform your team into creators. Using these methods promotes trust and engagement. You might even be surprised at how much your employees know and are willing to contribute if they're just given the chance.
Once you create a vision you can live with, construct some goals and a method of reporting back on reaching these goals. Make sure you have identified what is required to achieve each one. Do not set yourself up for failure. Make sure you know the time requirements, staffing requirements, sacrifices, and resources you need to move forward.
Create Structure and Measurement
You need to measure your results to keep everyone motivated and make the needed adjustments. Your team will lose motivation if you develop a grand, exciting vision with no way of knowing you are getting there. Make your vision measurable and keep the progress visible in the break room or accessible on a computer. You can see the big island to which you are heading and everyone is in the boat rowing toward it. Keep the vision sight so that you always know you're getting closer. Make sure to update your team with news, changes, and goals reached.
So, how do you keep your employees engaged and rowing harder and smarter during the process? We all know what the beginning is like; it's exciting and everyone is motivated. Then you get stuck in that gap that we talked I about earlier. One of the best ways to get their engagement is to increase their status.
Develop Their Expertise
As we discussed earlier, human beings have one primary desire once their basic needs are met: to keep or raise their status. Change - whether in the form of a merger, downsizing, or simply hiring new people - always invites a little drama in the form of complaining, excuses, and regrets. The reason? People worry about losing their status.
That is perhaps one of the many reasons it might be difficult to get people to speak up at meetings - they often think that it might be too risky, they might be judged, or others might disagree. Scared people do not make the best decisions; those who are just trying to hold on to their jobs are not really engaged. They are just there for a paycheck.
One thing you can do to really ramp up engagement is to make these people experts in your company.
The concept of increasing your employees' expertise is grounded in the notion that since everyone is good at something, why not make each person a subject matter expert within your business?
Make your people the stars and invest in their expertise. Anytime you spend cultivating, their careers allows them to bring additional revenue to your company. Giving them this sense of accomplishment will likely make them more loyal to you.
Everyone has talents even if they don't know it, and even if their talents aren't noticed or appreciated by their organization's management. Everyone wants to be seen for their potential and everyone wants to be.
The manager or leader who can do this is a genius and has the power to build creators.
Celebrate Success
My final advice in developing a team of creators is to constantly celebrate success. Your team contributes to the success of the company in some way every single day, week, and month. It is important that you find ways to commemorate both small and large achievements. Though people are motivated to be successful, they lose that motivation when they're met with an "it's never enough” mind-set. No one wants to constantly row without a resting place. Part of your job as a leader is to create a sense of completion. If your island is 5,000 miles away, stop on the island that is 500 miles away and celebrate. Let your employees lie in the hammock for a minute and sip the coconut juice. Then they will be motivated by their success to get to the next island 500 miles away. Don't make the mistake of thinking you will save time if you keep cracking the whip and skipping the celebration. They will lose vision faster than you do.
Summary
Questions to Answer
1. What kind of negativity shows up in my workplace?
2 Am I a good role model for personal responsibility?
3 Where do I fail to use empowering language?
4 What do we need to measure that we are not currently measuring?
5. Whom do I need to recognize and acknowledge?
6. How can I help to develop my staff's expertise?
7. What is needed to develop more of a creator mind-set in our workplace?
Learning Points
• Good leaders self-regulate.
• Responsibility is the recognition of choice.
• The better the question, the better the answer.
• Ask for what you want, not what you don't want.
• Don't take the bait to negative invitations.
• Willingness is the shift right before change (or willingness is the fulcrum point of change).
• "What if?" opens new possibilities.
• What you want is around you just look for evidence.
• People are motivated by success so celebrate regularly.
9. CONCLUSION
No Complaints, No Excuses, No Regrets
Your priorities, business concerns, and opinion of your workplace are influenced by your position in the boat. The captain is concerned with getting to the treasure chest on the island, the leader is concerned with having the rowers paddle harder and faster, and the rower is concerned with getting a more comfortable seat cushion. Imagine the impact that would result from being able to see a bigger picture that includes everyone's interests, while enabling you to facilitate positive change even through turbulent waters.
No matter how difficult the current economic situation, how dismal things may be and how much drama your workplace endures, there is a higher truth: There are opportunities all around you. We miss seeing all of these chances when we view our organization with tunnel vision.
We can only see what we already believe to be true. This tendency is known in psychology as confirmation bias. Frequently, even when new evidence of possibility occurs, we humans simply revert to our default view to confirm what we already believe to be true. Our beliefs about what is, who we are, and what is possible keep us from thinking outside of the box to contribute in bigger ways. As a result, we wait for permission to experience success and for others to meet our needs. We are like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz-waiting for someone else to change or notice us, or for some opportunity that eludes us. We aren't aware that all along, we have the power to achieve these things within us. This phenomenon plays out in the way employees approach their work and thus miss opportunities to play a bigger role that would benefit the company.
What if, no matter what your role e or position, you constantly asked yourself the question: "How can I provide value?" The brain works to answer any question you give it. Imagine the impact on teamwork. communication, customer service, and eventually the bottom line if you consistently make this inquiry. We generally lose momentum in at least one of the top three principles-clarity, relationships, and resistance- and in one or more of the other five principles in the Stop Your Drama Methodology.
Clarity
There will always be some chaos as a company grows; however, chaos is not the real problem. Recovering quickly and regaining clarity is the key to overcoming any commotion. When companies fail to walk the talk, the fog always rolls in and morale goes down. There is always a lack of clarity in some area wherever there is drama. Therefore, to eliminate drama, you must increase clarity and align your walk with your talk.
The Gap
Most of life is lived right in the gap, the space between where you are and where you want to be. If you do not know what is really required for the journey, or if you do not give your team the right resources, a substantial amount of drama will ensue. To keep morale high, know what is required, communicate the expectations, and give your team the resources they need to succeed. Shorten the gap by celebrating small successes so that your employees remain engaged and motivated
Truth
Denial never solves the problem; pretending that there's no leak in the boat does not keep water from rushing in. To increase trust, you must eliminate exaggerations, recognize that there may be more to the situation than is immediately visible, and substantiate your claims with solid facts.
Reinvention
It's critical to keep developing yourself and to embrace personal change and growth. The way you see yourself impacts your leadership Style. If you are acting out of sync with your values, realign your beliefs and your actions to make your word golden. You want others to see you as a leader-not because it's your title but because it's who you are.
Relationships
Without other people, you would not have a reason to exist as a person or as a company. You cannot claim success without receiving help from others. Focus on building mutually rewarding relationships and you will not only decrease turnover and increase loyalty, you will also have a lot of fun.
Energy
Everything in life is comprised of energy. You owe it to yourself to learn how to master your energy and increase your awareness about energy's impact on performance. Negativity leads to exhaustion and suppresses the immune system, and working without sufficient recovery increases the chances for mistakes. To increase your own personal performance, master your energy and require rejuvenation of both yourself and others.
Resistance
All drama has an element of resistance, the nonacceptance of what is. Don't waste time on what went wrong, who is at fault, and why something didn't happen as planned. Remember: the Fulcrum Point of Change is always willingness. If you are seeking positive change that seems to be eluding you, ask yourself what you (or your team) have not been willing to do or what you have refused to give up.
Creator
A creator mind-set is grounded in personal responsibility. If you want to hire good employees, look for individuals who take responsibility for their Own success. To help others adopt a creator orientation, nep them to recognize their choices because you can't act responsibly if you believe there are no choices.
Do you need to memorize these eight principles and work them in a linear fashion? Of course not. Simply pick an area that resonates with you and make a few shifts. I suggest starting with clarity, relationships, or resistance, because all drama has at least one of these components, often all three.
say,
Transformation always happens on the inside first. This concept is difficult for some people to understand especially those who like to take action and do not realize that inner work can be even more strenuous than physical labor.
Although there are many portals of change, mere words and actions are rendered powerless without a change in your mind-set, intention, or heart.
The challenge is to release the old ways of thinking that have held you back, and to see a bigger vision.
Despite the fact that this book is called Stop Workplace Drama, we all know the reality: As long as you are living on this earth, you will experience some obstacles to your peace and prosperity. But drama is not really the problem. The amount of time you stay in the drama-and the effort you put toward it- is the problem.
Complaints, excuses, and regrets only serve to keep the drama alive. We complain when we believe that we're powerless-when we blame someone or something else for our discomfort, unhappiness, failure.
Any time you are really stuck, ask yourself what excuses keep you from moving forward. Most of us make excuses on a regular basis without even noticing. “I would have been on time but the traffic was horrible”.
Every excuse is simply one more indicator that you are letting outside circumstances control your life. Excuses strip us of personal power. I ask myself on a regular basis, "Where could I be without that excuse?" Try to ask yourself this question once in awhile; you will see that a self-awareness exercise like this one helps pinpoint places where you get stuck in the old story instead of reinventing and stepping into a new truth.
Regrets come from reacting instead of responding, failing to think ahead, and from doing what you want to do now without recognizing how it may negatively impact your future. When you are clear about your core values, and you are more committed to the discipline of living congruently, you will find that you have fewer regrets. There is no more room for a temper tantrum, rude behavior, impatience, interrupting, or any activity that keeps you out of integrity with yourself, your employees, and your boss. When your actions align with what you say is important, you will be living more intentionally.
So, the next time you experience drama, ask yourself these questions: Where am I unclear? What is my relationship issue? Where am I resisting? Train yourself to ask these each time you experience the chaos of change, the urge to retaliate, the desire to win an argument, or the thought that you simply can't go on. There is no reason to deny or be afraid of the drama or even your own drama. Embrace what drama has to teach you about yourself, your values, and your opportunities for growth. My wish for you is that you can use the ideas presented in this book to develop yourself, so you can live from your highest vision, inspire others through your leadership, and experience peace and prosperity.
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